Most people may think falling in love is a complicated, and time-consuming thing to do. You have to go on at least a couple dates before you know if you’re falling in love, right?
Well, in 1997 a psychologist named Dr. Arthur Aron at Stony Brook University in New York tried to debunk that thought. He aimed to show that two people could develop intimacy at a much faster rate.
Aron conducted a study titled Ther Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings in which he took one heterosexual man and one heterosexual woman and gave them a list of 36 increasingly personal questions to ask each other, all finished off with four minutes of sustained eye contact.
The couple from Aron’s experiment married each other, and in 2015 a writer from the New York Times did the experiment and also got married the man she did it with.
The idea is that mutual vulnerability through self-disclosure fosters closeness and has an impact on the process of building a relationship. The 36 questions are broken up into three sets, with a gradual increase in the intensity of self-disclosure. The couple takes turns asking questions over a period of 90 minutes.
So, without further ado, here are the 36 questions to help you fall in love with anyone. Try them out on your partner!
Set 1
Given the choice of anyone in the world, dead or alive, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Would you like to be famous? In what way?
Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
Name three things you and your partner (the person you are dating) appear to have in common?
For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set 2
If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else what would you want to know?
Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
What do you value most in a friendship?
What is your most treasured memory?
What is your most terrible memory?
If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
What does friendship mean to you?
What roles do love and affection play in your life?
Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner (the person you are dating). Share a total of five items.
How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set 3
Make three true ‘we’ statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”
Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share...”
If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
Tell your partner something that you love about them already?
What if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? What haven’t you told them yet?
Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
