The New Year rushes in with a bang. You’re excited because 2015 was so last year, and you couldn’t be more grateful. Madame G suggests making practical New Year’s resolutions. Such as, clean the dishes after every meal or drink hot chocolate everyday. Resolutions are about fresh beginnings. Set goals that you can really appreciate.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Are you on furlough? Perhaps not, but you may feel as if you’re in limbo. You’re lost between the present and future. It doesn’t suit the ram to sit still, but you must or all your well-laid plans will fall. Madame G suggests using this time for deep self-reflection. You might just learn something. If all else fails, walk the dog. Exercise is good for the heart.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

New Years threw you over a mountain. Did you dancing on any tables? Did you start up any fights? It’s best to hang your head and pretend to forget. Modern technology torments humanity with instantaneous proof of misdeeds. Grin and bear it, the world loves to watch you fail. Remember the dog and cat will always love you. Plus, hair dye is cheap.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Your circle of friends may be growing and you know just how to cover it. Parties, parties, parties! It’s been the perfect time of year for it too. But, you’re running out of gas. This is a sign that you should focus on more practical endeavors. You’re networking has paid off though, and it may well shine light on your next career move. Se la vie!

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Hiding in your house under the covers is not a healthy hobby. Frankly, chasing after the dog when the mail person comes is not a form of exercise either. Start the year right and make a commitment to yourself. Get moving!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Your ego loves company and that requires more than just an audience. You need to feel accomplished each and everyday. It keeps your energy high and your spirits up, way up. This energizes the room and tortures your enemies. Just kidding, you mock them with success. They’re more like jealous admirers anyway. Happy New Year!

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Your perfection and discipline are renowned. Even your cat learned to use a proper toilet. He also walks on a lead, drives the car, and attends parties. But, not everyone appreciates your furry little friend, not that you care. You’re a trendsetter not a follower, mainly because you couldn’t be bothered to follow. Madame G salutes your brilliance Virgo.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.22)

Pungent smells and dry skin are among your pet peeves. Everyone seems to stink right now. And it’s not always body odor. Some people just let you down. They create havoc and chaos all around them like Pigpen from Peanuts. Why you fall for those types, you’ll never know. It’s a tragedy and mystery. Isn’t love wonderful? Enjoy the New Year!

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Mighty Scorpio, is the red tape forcing you down like a glacier to the Titanic? Then remember the words of the quintessential crusty bureaucrat, Ron Swanson: “I wish that she would ask for permission so that I could say no. I like saying no. It lowers their enthusiasm.” In other words, sometimes it’s better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. Vive le Revolucion!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You have a dark side and like Luke you must choose: Good or Evil. You may not believe in the concepts, but that doesn’t mean you can stand around doing nothing. You must participate in life or wake up to discover that it’s drifted away. If you watch someone abusing an animal, child, or fellow human being take action. You don’t want to be guilty by association. Carpe diem!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Your sign is prone to over anxiety and fear. This contributes to depression and anger. Work colleagues may not have your stamina, determination, and drive. They may even fail to act if they see problems popping up because they feel unequipped to handle it. Do your best, but at the end of the day remember this Polish proverb: “Not my circus, not my not my monkeys.”

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Your house was full of guests and movement. Now it’s dull and free of extraneous persons. You couldn’t be happier. The best part of the holidays is that they’re over. You may not always be an introvert, but playing an extrovert in life is hard. Enjoy the time to yourself. Read something by the philosopher Plato. If that’s too light try Neil Gaiman’s American Gods. It might just hit the spot.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

It’s the beginning of the New Year. Make a resolution you can keep. Commit to recycle five soda or beer cans a week. Take the dog for a five-minute walk. By low-balling your estimate, you might just trick yourself into actually completing the task. The added benefit is that you’ll stay out longer than you planned. Good luck!